Why white and red grapes need therapy (apparently)

What if your favourite wine grape walked into therapy? Not as a metaphor. Not as a tasting note. Literally sat down, legs dangling, face flushed, emotionally raw. That is what this SOMM DIGI comic series imagines, because sometimes being a grape is… a lot.

Forget tannin and terroir for a minute. This is about Riesling wanting everyone to like her, Pinot Noir crumbling under vintage pressure, and Malbec learning to trust. Red or white, they've been through it. (The facts are real, though. You might learn something on the couch.)

Pinot Grigio: the people pleaser

From: France, a pink-skinned mutation of Pinot Noir, called Pinot Grigio in Italy. Known in: Veneto, Friuli and Alto Adige; also California and Australia. Style: light, crisp, citrusy, the easy yes on any wine list.

On the couch: “Why do you feel you have to be so light all the time?” She's the aperitivo-hour girl, the “I'm fine” friend. The moment she shows some richness, someone says, “Oh, that's more like Pinot Gris.” Same grape. In Alsace she gets to be golden, rich and serious. In Italy she's expected to stay chill. It's not that she can't go deeper. It's that nobody asks.

Riesling: the shape-shifter

From: Germany. Known in: Mosel and Rheingau; Alsace; Clare and Eden Valley in Australia; the Finger Lakes in New York. Style: high acidity, bone-dry to lusciously sweet, lime, jasmine, and with age, a famous note of petrol.

On the couch: “I just want everyone to like me.” Sweet or dry, sparkling or still, she has mastered it all. But people see “Riesling” and assume “sweet”. So she adapts, to your palate, your mood, your meal, and sometimes wonders what she would taste like if she stopped adjusting.

Sauvignon Blanc: the overfunctioner

From: France. Known in: the Loire (Sancerre, Pouilly-Fumé), Marlborough in New Zealand, Napa Valley, Chile. Style: zesty and herbal, with lime, grass and gooseberry.

On the couch: “What if someone needs freshness?” There is always brunch to save and oysters to match. Ask her how she feels and she dodges with a smile and a sprig of basil. She's green-apple anxiety, citrus under pressure, and she'd rather be exhausted than disappoint.

Chardonnay: the spa seeker

From: Burgundy, France. Known in: Chablis and Meursault, Napa and Sonoma, Margaret River, South Africa. Style: crisp and mineral without oak, buttery and rich with it.

On the couch: “I just want to be taken seriously… and maybe a nap.” Too buttery, too basic, too old-school: she has heard it all. She has played the minimalist and the maximalist. Now she just wants a robe, a little French oak and no explaining.

Pinot Noir: the empath

From: Burgundy, France. Known in: the Côte d'Or, Willamette Valley in Oregon, Sonoma Coast, Central Otago in New Zealand, and Germany as Spätburgunder. Style: light to medium body, gentle tannin, red berries and earth.

On the couch: “Why does everything affect you so deeply?” Because she is thin-skinned, literally. Too much rain and she's overwhelmed; too much sun and she shuts down. But when she gets it right, it's magic. You don't sip Pinot Noir. You listen to her.

Cabernet Sauvignon: the guarded one

From: Bordeaux, France. Known in: Bordeaux's Left Bank, Napa Valley, Coonawarra, Chile. Style: full-bodied and firm, with blackcurrant and cedar.

On the couch: “Do you ever let anyone in?” He speaks in tannin and lets the oak do the talking. Softness? That's Merlot's job, surely. But behind the armour there's complexity, and the long finish after everyone has left the table. Let him breathe.

Malbec: the survivor

From: France, the grape of Cahors, made famous by Argentina. Known in: Mendoza and Salta in Argentina; Cahors. Style: deep and bold, blackberry, plum and spice.

On the couch: “Why don't you trust easily?” Because he's been left behind before. In Bordeaux he was part of the blend but never the favourite. Then came Mendoza: high vineyards, bright sun, cold nights. He flourished. Give him air, patience, maybe a steak.

Merlot: the overlooked middle child

From: Bordeaux, France. Known in: Pomerol and Saint-Émilion, Napa Valley, Washington State, Chile. Style: soft and round, plum, cherry, cocoa and velvet.

On the couch: “Why do you always feel like second place?” Always compared with Cabernet, once the punchline of a famous film. Still she shows up, in blends, in quiet pours, in the bottle that made wine feel less scary. She isn't Cabernet's understudy. Start noticing how she lingers.

Tempranillo: the stoic

From: Spain. Known in: Rioja, Ribera del Duero and Toro; Portugal's Alentejo, as Aragonez. Style: medium to full body, cherry, leather, tobacco and dusty spice.

On the couch: “How do you process emotions?” Slowly. In barrels. In Rioja, wines are labelled by patience as much as place: Crianza, Reserva, Gran Reserva. The longer he's held, the more he says. He's not cold. He's composed.

Sangiovese: the legacy carrier

From: Italy. Known in: Tuscany (Chianti, Brunello di Montalcino, Vino Nobile di Montepulciano), Umbria, Romagna. Style: medium body, high acidity, sour cherry, herbs and earth.

On the couch: “Do you feel pressure to represent where you're from?” Chianti. Brunello. Rosso. She's like seven grandmothers in one grape, carrying holiday tables and sacred sauces. Every region wants her slightly different, but always perfect. Let her lead. She's earned it.

Shiraz: the one who's “too much” (but isn't)

From: France's Rhône Valley, as Syrah; reinvented in Australia as Shiraz. Known in: Barossa Valley and McLaren Vale; the Rhône; South Africa. Style: bold and spicy, blackberry, black pepper and smoke.

On the couch: “What do you wish people understood?” “I'm not too much. You're just not ready.” He's firewood and fig, thunder and velvet. He's been told to round off the edges. He's done with that. Sip him if you want truth with tannin.

Even grapes have feelings

They're more than varietals. They're mirrors of us: pressure, complexity, expectation and care. So next time you sip a glass, pause, and ask who that wine had to become to get here. Some are bold, some are soft, some are guarded, and some just want to be understood.

Need a laugh after the session? Try 40 funny wine memes. And if you'd like to meet the grapes properly, my book Wine Easy introduces them with retro comics and no snob energy.

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