Hospitality is brutal. You don't have to be.

There's a moment, maybe during a Saturday night double seating, maybe when a guest snaps their fingers at you, maybe when your manager forgets your name again, when you ask yourself:

Is this what I signed up for?

This world of wine, service and hospitality promised romance. Connection. Bottles that sang, guests who listened, a sense of purpose that lived between pours. But sometimes all you get is glassware burns, overwork that feels underpaid, and a pit in your stomach you call “just the job”.

You're told to be tough. To take it. To grow thicker skin. And you do, until one day you're not sure what's left underneath.

But what if the soft parts of you weren't a liability? What if they were the whole reason you're still here?

I spent 2013 to 2021 on fine-dining floors and cruise ships, with Cunard and then as head sommelier with Disney. This note is for whoever is on the floor tonight.

The myth of tough skin

There's a myth in this industry: that the only way to last is to harden. That the best somms are unshakable. That the floor is no place for feelings.

But here's the truth: the guests who remember you remember how you made them feel. Not how fast you decanted. Not how many regions you named.

They remember the gentleness. The curiosity. The moment you saw them, really saw them.

Soft doesn't mean weak

Softness is not fragility. It's resilience with a heart. It's handling a broken cork and a broken guest in the same shift, and still finding grace in your service.

It's crying in the walk-in and coming back out with a smile. Not because you're fake, but because you're fierce enough to feel.

• Softness is knowing your team is tired and offering to close.
• It's teaching without ego.
• It's refusing to let burnout define your worth.

You get to choose how you show up

You can be the one who studies late and nails the blind tasting, and the one who hugs the barback after a rough night.

You can want the Court, the clout, the Michelin stars, and still know that none of it matters if your heart isn't in the room.

You don't have to be brutal just because this industry can be. You don't have to match its coldness to prove you belong.

You can be soft. And smart. And powerful. And kind. All at once.

If tonight is one of the hard ones, read is it still worth it to stay a sommelier? And if you're wondering what else the job can look like, there's life at sea as a sommelier and where a wine career can go.

Stay soft. That's your real flex.

Questions people ask